For the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking and harping (mostly harping, without actually doing anything) about weight loss. You see, two months ago, I was scrolling my Facebook news feed, gingerly liking photos, laughing at jokes, making bad ones of my own, when I ran across THIS!
My blogger buddy Meagan of Sunshine and Sippy Cups had taken it during the Mom 2.0 Summit, where we met IRL, and there it was…. Instead of the excellent and pretty buffet, none other than…my GINORMOUS BACKSIDE! At first I didn’t pay attention, dismissing it as someone else, then I took notice of the black pants! the pink purse! the pearls! IT WAS ME! In all my fat glory! Waving the plate like a fan!
This was bad, bad bad bad ! Ginormously BAD!! If I had taken that photo myself, I would’ve hit delete in a nanosecond. But it wasn’t mine and it was existing on the interwebs out of my control. I could have asked Meagan to take it down, but I didn’t. It was just the slap I needed. I have to remember to thank her for it.
You see, the last time I inadvertently photobombed someone, I looked liked this:
Not exactly skinny but not obese either. So where did that gigantic ass come from? I’ll tell you where… from the 20 lbs I’ve gained since, the 20 lbs that have apparently all gone to my ass, that’s where! I should be immediately inducted into the Kardashian clan just for that.
As if that wasn’t enough, it hit me like a ton of bricks that Norman’s (the old poop) nephew’s wedding is next month. I was glossing over it because I thought there still was plenty of time and because I still haven’t worn that second dress I bought way back when. Remember last year’s fancy gala and the dress saga (and guessing game)? Here’s how I looked in the runner-up dress, which I bought of course — the photo of Dress #3 is the BEFORE photo, Exhibit A of the massive damage I managed to inflict on my poor unsuspecting butt. Think I’m exaggerating? See for yourself.
I’m not exactly Heidi Klum in it (who is?), in fact, I’m a little hip-y (or is it an optical distortion?) But nothing a little sturdy Spanx couldn’t have fixed. It’s made of a stretchy fabric but I highly doubt it would withstand stretching two full sizes (maybe three, I’m afraid to look).
So here’s my double problem: Not only am I fat (fat-fattidy-fat), I have nothing to wear for the wedding where all of the old poop’s family will be. My in-laws. All of them. ALL. And a lot of people I haven’t met yet!
I refuse to buy a fat dress. AND this is an awesome dress; elegant, black (read slimming), long (perfect for a formal wedding), with just a little shoulder action to make it interesting. In other words, I couldn’t think of a more fitting dress. I would do anything to fit in it in 5 weeks! Okay that’s a lie, I wouldn’t do anything, obviously the concept of self-control seems to be foreign to me.
Please tell me that you understand my problem? I have 5 WEEKS to lose 20 LBS! Mission impossible!
I might as well give up.
But I’m not going to. I may not be able to fit into that dress without the help of a genie, but thanks to CVS’s Minute Clinic and their generous offer to let me try their new weight loss program, I might be able to get down to a decent-enough size to find a decent-enough dress. This is the kind of weight loss program that I can stick to: 26-weeks (not too long, not too short, just the right time frame), one-on-one visits with a nurse practitioner, bloodwork checkups, personalized menu, moral support. I could lose the 20 lbs AND gain wellness! Don’t mind the harp music, I’m just in a dream sequence, imagining all the pretty black dresses I would be able to wear.
The personalized weight loss program at Minute Clinic is just the kind of serious help that this serious situation desperately needs. Even if I lose only the recommended 1-2 lbs per week, we’re talking 10 lbs here — halfway to my pretty-dress size. Might not be enough but it’s worth a shot. Plus, I get to be the first blogger to try the diet and report back to you. I’ll gladly suffer for you all
Will you root for me and my little black dress?